But Why?

“I will do it myself, even if I die trying!” he said as he switched on the machine. Little did he know that that was precisely what he was doing.

The sabotaged machine roared to life and turned on him. On realizing his predicament his face took on an expression appropriate to the situation. He yelled in surprise … “Aaaaah!” he said. He dodged just in time. The blades destroyed the front of his shirt but he wasn’t harmed. A few inches more and it would have been fatal. He tried the ‘Off’ button. It didn’t go off. But the room filled with a strange noise. “OFFOFFOFFOFFOFFOFF.”

Then realization dawned. “Her!” he thought, “You!” he said. It was her laughter that filled the room! “You set this up! … But why?” he asked and immediately he couldn’t help feeling like a four year old. Albeit a four year old who dodged a death machine spawned from hell itself. Hell or a rather timid teenager.

“Yes it is I, but anyone else would say the same thing.” She paused for laughter. No one laughed. She did in her head. “I wanted to see if you could survive it,” she said. The lack of flying, dismembered, body parts was testament to his abilities… so far.

“Of course I can survive it” he cried indignantly. “I’ve been through worse.” And he had. He’d been waxed, everywhere, by a wrestler from Mongolia. Yes, he had lost a bet.

She knew him. She knew he had what it took and that he could handle it. But hey! A girl gotta have her fun right? She didn’t call off the deathbot. His struggle for survival amused her. Again he asked her for an explanation. “But why?” he said again, and almost expected ‘Because’ as a reply. His therapy hadn’t worked. He still couldn’t just say ‘Why’.

“Because…” she began, “AHA!” He interjected. She quailed him with a look. “Because I have something planned for you” she completed.

“Aaargh!” he thought, “SO explanatory!” He contemplated embracing the death machine that now looked far more inviting than the bomb, and ending the madness in an enjoyable, mutilative way, when she continued. “I’m going to make you an offer you cant refuse.” she clichéd and held up the dough for him to see. It was a lot of dough.

"COOOKIE" He thought suddenly. And he knew not why.

“Lets get married!”
“What?”
“Lets get married!”
“WHAT?”
“I said Lets…
“Yeah I got that.”
“Then what do you mean, ‘what’?”
“I mean exactly that! What do YOU mean ‘Lets get married’?”
“I mean exactly that!”
“God! You always do this. Expect me to jump to your whims and fancies and get pissed if I don’t”
“I don’t expect anything from you!”
“Except marriage.”
“Oh you’re impossible.”
“Now I’M impossible… … …


You’d think they were already married. The deathbot was hiding crouched in the corner in fear. “Why is mama so angry with nice man I want to hug?” it’s processors whined. “It’s all my fault.” It then proceeded to develop insecurities and lost confidence in itself and its ability to cause death and destruction. It ceased to be a deathbot. It switched occupations, went into the catering industry and spent most of its time mixing things together. Violently. At great speed.

Somewhere in the world a phone rang. “Hailloooo? Maseenaaa?”

The deathbot got therapy. He got a little better. Then he killed his therapist. He got worse again. They call him ‘blender’ now.


Some point in the conversation…
…So lets get married then.”
“Okay.”
“Great!”
“What about kids?”
“One step at a time hubby dear. But don’t worry you don’t have to fry so much bacon yet.”
“There’s a reason why I love you, but I don’t know what it is.”

They broke into fits of giggles. The neighbors looked at them weirdly. It’s hard to look normally with binoculars.

“I was thinking then,” he said, “about having the wedding in a few months.
“Few months?” She swooned. “Are you trying to rush me? I was thinking a few years, if not several.” He swooned. “But I thought you were all about settling down and starting a family?”
“Yes,” she said, “but only after I get some color and variety in my life. I’m going to paint the town red for the next couple of years, have a bit of fun. You should too. You deserve a little enjoyment. Anyways I’m off. See you in a decade. I’ll see to the caterers.”

He stood there extremely befuddled. He only had one thing to say. “But why?”

A four year old shot him. He was getting very annoying.