The One Ring

It was a summer's afternoon. The doorbell rang. I opened it. There was a parcel for me. A large one! I signed for it. I was curious. No one sends me parcels.

I opened it. I gasped in surprise, shock, fear and a little childish glee.

Ok. Fine. It was mostly childish glee.

Inside, on a leather cord, cushioned by a lot of packaging, was…

…The One Ring.

"What the hell" I thought to myself. "Who would send me The One Ring?"

Then I realized. "Shit. I have The One Ring!"

I had a dangerous artifact. It was evil. It would tempt me to use its powers. The ring wraiths would be drawn to its power and hence to me…either way I was in grave danger. I needed to do something immediately. I turned to the only tool of power that I possessed.

Google

I soon found out that people all over the world were receiving artifacts like these. Weapons, cloaks, crowns, rings of power, curly wigs etc.

The battle between Good and Evil was about to begin.

It was scheduled for 12:00 am.

I sensed Good and Evil had hired a very precise planner.

Each person had their own role to play.

It seemed I was the equivalent of Frodo.

I looked at The Ring. I decided I would not wear it. I would name it James. I would love James. It would make a good pet ring.

I made kissy faces at James, called James my woogie pie and rubbed James gently.  James glowed with joy.

Even evil rings like to be loved sometime.

It was 11:59pm. I was getting ready to fight evil.

The doorbell rang. It was 12:00am exactly. Two men in suits were at the door. It had begun.

They asked to speak to me.

I spoke to them.

"We are businessmen. Give us The One Ring and we shall give you…

…FOUR. MILLION. DOLLARS."

I thought to myself:

"Woah! 4 Million dollars? That's a lot of money!

But it's The One Ring. It's evil! I should destroy it.

Who are these men? They could use it to rule the world!

But then again, it's 4 million dollars!"

I chose the 4 million dollars.

(Don't judge me! I'd like to see you do better.)

I was about to give them The One Ring when I realized.

"It's THE ONE RING! What am I doing? I'm can't just give it away like that!

I should get a picture with it."

The men smiled. They said:

"You're in luck. We're professional photographers."

I posed with The One Ring. They took many photographs.

Me holding The One Ring, me kissing The One Ring, me pretending to put The One Ring on my finger, me accidently putting The One Ring on my finger, me posing with The One Ring on my finger (you can't see that one), me taking off The One Ring with an expression of horror on my face, me eating ice cream with The One Ring, etc, etc.

Sadly the time came to part.

I gave them The One Ring.

They handed over the 4 million dollars.

I put it in my wallet.

They left.

I decided to name my 4 million dollars James.

Suddenly I the enormity of the situation struck me.

I had already named The One Ring James. So I named the 4 million dollars Frank.

Then I had a thought.

"I just gave The One Ring, who I named James, to two businessmen/photographers in suits who paid me 4 million dollars, who I named Frank. Something was not quite right…….

…………

……………..

…………………….SHIT! What if they are evil?!"

I now had to get The One Ring back and destroy it.

I needed to prepare. I took a dump. That was better.

I went out and concentrated on building up my magic. I absorbed as much magic as I could without getting indigestion.

Now I had to find those men.

I used google again.

Found them. They were living in their grandmother's house in the forest.

I went on my quest.

Sanchita joined me.

She knew magic too.

We found the house. I broke through the front door with a flying ninja kick.

We were in a room. Nice homely grandmotherly room. But it was filled with people. Evil businessmen, their henchmen, the mafia, some grandmothers etc.

They were all staring at us menacingly while holding dangerous weapons like guns, knives, hot chai, etc.

The ring was around one of their necks.

I decided that was my chance. I focused all my energy into a giant ball of power that was about to explode.

Nothing happened. I realized I was quite bad at this.

They shot Sanchita.

Twice

In the arm

"OW!" she said. "You shot me! …Twice! ...In the arm! C***t!"

I ran over to her and healed her with my magic.

"Oh yeah now you decide to work" I said to my magic while I watched the bullets leave Sanchita's arm wolverine style.

 "It's so hard to get good magic nowadays." said Sanchita.

I was about to run after the business men with The One Ring when I realized they were still there with everyone else and they were being berated by their grandmother for being violent in her house.

She confiscated The One Ring.

She made us all sit down and we all had some hot chai.

I woke up.

WATERS OVER THE SIDES

Rain God:      "MARTHAAAA fill won more bucket and bring quickly! Then throw down! It's very dry!"

Martha:          "SIR, OKAY SIR I AM THROWING THE WATERS OVER THE SIDES! LOTS OF PEOPLE GETTING WET, SIR. LOOK, SIR, ITS SOMEONE YOU KNOW, SIR. BEWARLY"

Rain God:      "Bewarly? Oh Bewarly! The one who is hating the getting wet?"

Martha:          "YAA YAA SIR! SHE IS HATING IT LIKE I IS HATING THE KARELA!"

Bewarly:         (while sitting safely under the awning of a coffee shop) "Pleeeease let it stop! Pleeeease, pleeease I can't stand it! The splatter that is tickling my feet! Aaargh it's horrifying!"

Rain God:      "You is hating the karela? I is not knowing this Martha! Since when are you hating karela?"

Martha:          "since looong time sir! from the childhooding years of my growthing process, sir, I was hating it like yebrything and my ma was making it yeberyday, sir."

Bewarly:         (slightly more desperately) "Pleeeeeease let it stop, oh Rain God sir pleeeeease!"

Rain God:      "I can't believe you is hating karela, Martha!"

Martha:          "sir, I think someone is calling, sir!"

Rain God:      "Oh really? Oh where is my phone? Oh damn these blasted modern day technologies! Ah! There it is! Haloooo? Halooo? Helooo dammit!"

Martha:          "sir, I think it is engaged sir!"

Rain God:      "Don't be stooped Martha, phones don't get engaged!"

Martha:          "no sir! I think someone is calling you by the prayering sir!"

Rain God:      "What! How outdated! Prayering! My god! I mean my myself… how stooopid the peoples are nowdays!"

Bawarly:        "Pleeeease pleeease let it stop don't listen to these two idiots! One of them doesn't even believe you exist! Pleeheeheease!"

Kaviduh:        "Scream! Scream to the heavens Bewarly! How will it help! Theres no one to hear you! Scream! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (Evilly)"

Muk:               (performs sexy rain dance)

Rain God:      "Really Martha you never ate the karela? My myself! Oh wait sorry look the Bewarly is crying now!"

Martha:          "and her friend is laugh laughing like ma trying to be feeding me the karela! Oh sir sir I think her other friend is a spasm having sir! Shall we do something sir!"

Rain God:      "Martha he is a rain dance doing Martha! Very baaad one but well will be the humouring him now! One more big bucket Martha!"

Martha:          "yes sir immediately sir will do sir immediately sir!"

Bewarly:         (complete horror) "NOOOOOOO stop it! Why are you trying to piss him off!"

Muk:               "How can you piss him off with a rain dance?"

Bewarly:         "You idiot your dance could piss off a rock!"

Muk:               "FINE! I'll stop! I'm very hurt!"

Bewarly:         "mumble mumble Muk mumble mumble mumble bitch!"

Muk:               "I heard that!"

Bewarly:         " 'cause I said that soo softly, right?" (sarcasm sarcasm)

Kaviduh:        (Insanely) "Oh look its coming down harder! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" (Still evilly)

Bewarly:         "NOOOOO! I'm on your side  dammit! Don't listen to them!"

Martha:          "sir, there's a Bewarly on your side sir shall I be removing it sir?"

Rain God:      "Where? Where? I can't see it! Aaah! Get it off Martha aaargh get it off!"

Martha:          "is seems like attaching itself to your right buttock it is sir! If correct I am being, it is know as the kissing of the butt sir!"

Rain God:      "Martha now it is not sidey joke making time Martha!"

Martha:          "Ah sir sidey aha aha you are making the funnies too sir! Aha aha!"

Rain God:       "Martha stoppit now!"

Muk:               "What's the opposite of a rain dance?"

Kaviduh:        "Maybe a no rain dance?"

Muk:               "Ah ya that!" (Starts doing sexy no rain dance)

Bewarly:         "What are you doing? Mumble mumble bitch! Why are you doing this to me! You're trying to anger him on purpose aren't you? Don't listen to them! They suck!"

Martha:          "look sir it is another spasm having!"

Rain God:      "No no Martha is it doing what the book is saying is a homemade no rain dance. But that too is also being the complete badness!"

Martha:          "oh really sir in all my years sir of the employment for you sir I is bit the seeing yanithing like the no rain dance sir!"

Rain God:      "Yes Martha, that is because nobody is usually that stupid being!"

Martha:          "but sir? it works sir?"

Rain God:       "Yes Martha it is working because we must always be of the niceness to the mentally challenged. Oh sorry. Differentially abled. Turn off the taps Martha!"

Martha:          "Ok sir! im turning im turning! Aaaaaah no no sir sir the taps! they are stucking sir the is not turning! It is not going off sir!"

Rain God:       "What how can this happen! Try harder!"

Martha:          "I'm tRYing im trying! IT'S not working!"

Rain God:       "To the right Martha! To the right!"

Martha:          "oh shit! …. Sorry….how silly I am being sir I was thinking left sir but left is for the opening sir ……ok it is closing now sir! …. WAIT wait leak is coming sir leak! LeaK!"

Rain God:       "Why must this happen to me? My myself! Oh Bhagvan! Oh wait…that's me too! Martha! Call the plumber! SANJEEEETHAAA!"

Sanjeetha:      (In deep base rumble) "You rang?"