White and Fluffy

Tonight kids, I will tell you a story, a horrific story of evil scientists and the experiments they perform on little children. It is a story filled with fear and trembling, it is a story that all children must hear if they are to protect themselves from the evils of the world.

It is the story of Little Albert.

Many, many years ago there was a little boy. He was named Albert. So it was not unusual that they called him ‘little Albert’. It was unusual that they sometimes called him Francis. Why? I haven’t the foggiest.

His mother was very poor and she sent him, not even a year old, to a scientist to be experimented on in exchange for money. He was an evil scientist who made Albert afraid of things that he hadn’t even had the chance to discover that he might have loved.

He made Albert afraid of all fluffy white things. To make anyone afraid of anything is an evil thing to do. But to make someone afraid of all that is white and fluffy is downright dastardly.

How? How did he do this, you ask?

“Elementary,” says Doctor Watson, “It is quite simple. Its something even you can do at home with the neighborhood kids. You present the child with something white and fluffy, for example a white rat or a rabbit. Then you make a very loud sound when the child approaches the rabbit. I prefer using a hammer and a large metal rod. It makes for the perfect hare conditioner.”

Though we may wish this is a story of the retribution that Albert wrought upon Watson once he grew up and was able to do such things as drive, fight, and maybe even control his bowels, this is one providing no such satisfaction. This is rather the story of Albert and his life of fear.

Being afraid of all that is white and fluffy wrecked havoc on Little Albert’s life. For a month after the experiment he did not stop crying at bath times because his towel was white and his mother did not realize why he was crying. In fact as an older child, if his mother forgot about his fear of white towels and accidentally started drying him with one he would run away screaming. The neighbors were always on edge as there is nothing more unnerving as a child screaming gibberish and running naked through the compound.

He avoided all sorts of pasties with fluffy white frostings and ran away from his aunts who wore fluffy white house slippers. Though we must admit, he would have run away from his aunts anyway. His fear of cotton, though making it difficult to treat his wounds, had a far more alarming effect at Christmas time when the streets were filled with Santa’s and their fluffy white cotton beards.

Worse than Santa was snowfall.

He was never able to enter his friend James’ house. James house had white shag carpeting. At some point in time James wondered if Albert was a vampire.

One night he went home with a girl. She, on the pretence of slipping into something more comfortable, slipped into a pristine white bathrobe.

He ran away screaming.

She proceeded to develop body image issues.

Albert subsequently vowed to overcome his fear and went about throwing himself compulsively at white fluffy things. This led to the deaths of a few mice and rabbits, an embarrassing incident with a woman in a white fur coat and the ruining of many a wedding cake.

He began wearing bath slippers everywhere, and carpeted every inch of his house with white shag, including the walls. Often he would stroke the furry walls.

His family decided he was quite mental and sent him to a psychiatrist. Unfortunately he was unable to see the irony.

One day he was killed by a polar bear.

Therefore kids, we learn that no matter what your parents tell you, it is not necessarily a good thing to overcome your fears.