Bathrooms: Predators

Answering the call of the wild, in your urban bathroom can be made ever so uncomfortable by the presence of a lizard.

“Lizard!” you laugh, “They don’t do anything! Why should you be scared?”

I’m not scared. Just deeply troubled.

There was a time when I too had a cordial relationship with all lizards.

I would talk to them lovingly and berate them for infesting my kitchen in Mumbai.

I would also congratulate them for ridding us of all the cockroaches.

That was before I realised their true nature.

That was before I found out how disgusting they were.

That was before one of them molested me.

Yes, I was molested by a lizard.

I was at a friend’s farm, enjoying a short vacation outside the city. At some point I needed to make, what, because it amuses me, I shall refer to as, a poopie. After which I was going to take a bath.

So I went into the downstairs bathroom, undressed, sat on the toilet, and commenced with the poopie making.

Little did I know that this was the very same toilet under which a lizard had decided to hide in wait for a suitable victim.

It seems I was suitable enough.

When I was halfway through, the lizard decided that I was in a compromising enough position and decided to take advantage of me.

It ran up my naked thigh, across my stomach, up my chest, and jumped off onto the wall behind me and, like most perverts, ran away.

As its tiny five fingered hands were feeling its way up my naked, and admittedly curvy body, I felt the urge to jump up and defend myself.

But I couldn’t.

I was in the middle of making a poopie, and not even a groping lizard could stop me.

I had to endure it. But thankfully it was over quickly.

I felt so violated.

I have never been able to look a lizard in the eye since. Bloody reptiles.

So you can see why I was uncomfortable when a lizard entered my bathroom, yet again.

But this time I was armed.

With an ingenious plan!

                                                          

I turned on the hot water in the shower and left the bathroom door slightly ajar. The lizard, being a cold blooded b*****d, was flushed out by the collecting heat.

I was again able to bathe in peace, away from the reptile gropers of the world.

But I live in constant fear that they shall be back again…, now that they have had a taste of my irresistible fiery sensuality.