Mona

In an obscure region of this strange and wonderful/terrifying place we call The Universe, exists a realm of mystery, mayhem and confusion. This is a realm where rules don't exist, where the laws of nature a warped, twisted, broken and have an awful sense of humor.

Few have ever entered this place and left with their sanity intact. Then again, those who do enter are usually insane to begin with and therefore making it difficult to conduct a statistical analysis of this realm's insanity inducing properties.

This place that strikes fear in the hearts of most mortals is the realm of Mark's Mind. But as bad as the realm of Mark's mind is, still worse is the sub-realm of Mark's Dreams. This place is downright horrifying, unless you're Mark. That's who I am. So, it's all good.

One day I dreamt I was in a forest. This Forest was dense and green and was in the middle of Mumbai city. But it really felt like a forest. It had very good forest ambience; it was dense and green and stuff.

This forest had tall trees that stretched up on forever and they were all connected. Therefore, thousands of pine trees came together to form one big banyan tree. Things in my dreams are many other things at the same time. This makes it more fun for me and/because it's more confusing for you.

So I was chasing something through the trees. I believe that it was a bunch of my friends / bats / monkeys / birds. (I should point out that while I was chasing all of the above, they weren't the same entities. You must understand this. I do not have bat-friends. Batty friends are a different matter.)

I ran / jumped / flew / swung through the trees when I bumped into a very pretty girl.

My first thought was, "OW!"

My second thought was, "Oh look! It's a girl! And she's really pretty! And she climbs trees! How perfect!"

As everyone knows, once you've bumped into a girl while swinging through the trees you immediately bond with said girl. We spent some time hanging out, chatting about this and that, the weather, how pretty the trees were in the monsoon,  the best way to prepare bacon, how to train your platypus, that sort of thing.

I asked her what her name was.

She said, "Mother Nature. But you can call me Mona."

"Mona! That's a nice name. Where's it from?"

"MOther NAture." She said slowly, while raising an eyebrow.

 "Oh" said I, feeling like a doofus.

Through the course of our conversation I learnt that Mona was tired of being Mother Nature. She had been ever since she was a little girl when the gods approached her village and asked her to be Mother Nature.

"Yeah, it's so hard to be yourself nowadays." I told her.

She offered me her power. She didn't want it anymore.

"You're offering me the power of nature? SOOO COOOL!"

I took it.

"Ah" she said. "Finally! I'm no longer Mona! Now I'm just plain old…plain old….I'm just……OH MY GOODNESS! WHO AM I? ....... AAAARRRGHH…!!!

And she ran away screaming.

I immediately sprouted wings and flew over the city. I flew towards the shore. I landed on the beach. It was the most beautiful beach in the world. I'm not sure if this was because in my dreamland Mumbai has an amazing beach or because now that I controlled nature I had just willed it that way. Oh well, just another of life's mysteries

On the beach there was an amazing resort. I realized I had come there to meet my guidance counselor.

My guidance counselor was Zeus. He was relaxing in his beach chair sipping a Nimbu Paani spiked with Ambrosia, a drink of his own invention.

This is the point where my dream persona splits into two.

I ceased to be 'I who controlled nature' and was now 'I who was telling Zeus about myself, 'I who controlled nature.''

Zeus got very angry.

"How could you let him do this? Don't you know what it means? The responsibility, the endless days of existence etc, etc, yada, yada, yada…." I really wasn't paying much attention.

So, I went off looking for myself.

Most people who embark on the journey of "trying to find themselves" do things like travel, learn yoga, meditation, visit Tibetan monks, read spiritual books, learn to cook etc.

I, on the other hand, searched the resort. Because for some reason that was the place I would find myself. My dreamworld dictated that someone who controlled nature would be in a resort and not using his power to take over the world as one would assume.

I didn't find myself in the dining rooms, in the kitchen or at the pool.

Then I went to the beach. I found myself there.

(Mark, this is a hint. The universe is telling you something. Listen to it)

Here comes the strange part.

"Yeah right!" interjects the reader, "like it's not strange already"

I stare at the reader with a questioning and annoyed look until the reader shuts up and accepts that it indeed can get stranger.

This is the part where I am two different people, who are both me, and I am experiencing both positions at the same time and both myselves meet myselves but they aren't myself at the same time as being myself.

I now realize why I looked for myself here and not at a place conducive to taking over the world. (I wonder where'd I'd go..? The UN? Iceland? Well, Iceland's good if I wanted to take down Europe, at least. My war cry could be "Eyjafjallajőkull!")

I was standing at the edge of the water commanding the waters to rise up into columns and making giant forms that amused me. I made bunnies, horses, buffets, etc.

I then made gladiators. Gladiator 1 chopped off the head of the gladiator 2. I made Gladiator 2's head grow back. Gladiator 1 developed a horrified look, dropped his sword and ran screaming. Only he wasn't screaming but was making ocean sounds.

Gladiator 2 threw his sword at and stabbed him in the back. Gladiator 1 fell to the ground with a resounding splash. As water poured from his wound a woman ran up to him, fell to her knees and wept. Then she looked up at the heavens and screamed "NAHI…!" Or she would have if she didn't only make ocean sounds.

I looked on at myself and could not help but admit that I liked that guy.

I walked up to myself and I tried explaining to myself what a huge mistake I had made.

I didn't have to speak.

I knew what I was going to say.

For the first time I realized: OH NO! I was Mother Nature!

I told myself that either I would have to change the world's perception of Mother Nature to Father Nature, or I would have to become "Mother" Nature.  Since I already had the power of nature, a change like that was actually really easy.

I was horrified.

Yes I had horrified myself.

That's probably the only time that that's going to happen.

I decided to go looking for Mother Nature and give her powers back.

I went to the resort. Why I keep looking for people there is beyond me. Why would a hysterical Mother Nature be in a resort?

I looked all over the resort.

I couldn't find her.

I found a bulletin board.

It had a map of the resort.

It had a big red arrow saying YOU ARE HERE!

It also had a big Green arrow saying MOTHER NATURE IS HERE!

I suddenly knew why Mother Nature would be in a resort.

I went to the bar.

I shouted over the din. "Is anyone here who used to be called MONA?"

Many people stood up; a woman sitting in a corner by herself, three old ladies sitting at the same table, (a banner above them read "Annual Convention of Women Named Mona") and one scrawny man. I could also feel a replica of a famous painting on the wall try to stand up.

"Sit down", whispered one of old ladies, "he said "used to be.""

"You used to be called 'Mona' once?" I asked the guy.

"I was in a school play. It was an all boy's school."

"My sympathies."

Though she hadn't raised her hand I knew Mona was there. The sign had said so.

I found her sitting at the bar, 27 empty glasses around her. It seems Mother Nature can really put them down.

I told her I wanted to give her power back.

She looked at me and said,

"So I can be Mona again?"

"Yes."

"Well I was thinking of 'Janice' but Mona is something I'm more familiar with."

As I gave back her powers, I asked for one little gift. She smiled & said "Done"

I went home a little sad that I wasn't powerful anymore.

So I took a bath. I knew it would cheer me up. You see, thanks to Mona I can now make bunnies, horses and gladiators in my bath tub.